Secrets and lies part 2

Introduction 

(I had a need to explain the inner turmoil, but you can skip it if you wish)

Since the first spanking she kind of took me in hand and the talks were not the same for a couple of weeks. There was always the looming threat. I wanted to be good, and I was… but I had kind of a barrier in my brain. As if it wasn’t completely working. Like a car in the mud. Wheels working, mud everywhere but it just can’t get unstuck.

Eventually … I just… stopped caring about everything. I guess I was disappointed in myself for failing 2 exams mostly because of absences, and being absent only because of my freaking laziness, but no matter how much I hated myself at times I kept allowing myself to have fun. The fun was tainted by the tasks waiting, but I couldn’t master the motivation to sit and focus. At the same time, I felt like Nat had done so much for me and that she cared in a more thoughtful way than my own mother. I mean, Mom was great, she would hug me a lot and … well allow me anything I wanted… I was a very good girl until my teenage years, didn’t ask for much but with the teens a kind of laziness, brain fog, depression or whatever it was started and it was getting stronger and stronger.

Nat was like a father figure who can be gentle and caring… I mean she was the authority. And she had expectations. And for a short time after that first spanking I was more acutely aware of her expectations and I guess seeing that her “medicine” worked she was more strict in the way I needed it, but as the time went by she was releasing me. What the hell did she think? I matured overnight?! I know all of this is ridiculous, but I truly envied the ones who had a dd relationship, a top who would make them do what’s best for them. It wasn’t that I wanted to mix sex and discipline, I just wanted somebody to care and I figured, I wasn’t giving anything back to Nat. How could I expect her to care?

I didn’t love her in a sexual way (she most certainly didn’t love Me in that way). As the matter of fact, I never loved anyone in a sexual way… I thought I was asexual or otherwise an expert in blocking things out. The thought of spanking aroused me when reading about it but it was more the threat, the taking in charge, the love that aroused me, not the pain. The pain I hated. When it got to the pain the arousal was pretty much over. And with Nat I just wanted her to consider me her kid; I wanted her to adopt me… Maybe I was just thinking in learnt schemas, like either you are a kid and taken care of oooor you are a sexual partner. The world was opening up for me while reading the blogs. And at the same time, I was getting further and further away from the real life and my obligations.

The chores I did, sometimes at the last moment, but I would have felt truly ashamed if I bailed on them. Nat wasn’t asking much of me… I really wasn’t giving her anything… How could I even hope that she would help me with motivation? I had to do it on my own, but this damn blockage in my brain…  How I loaded myself. The overeating and occasional throwing up after it, combined with all of the above, were leaving me with fat and cellulite to which I wasn’t used to (I am 5’ 10’ and was more on the skinny side 126, during most of the high school), guilt and the disgust for myself. 

I started sleeping more and more. Only to wake up minutes before I knew Nat would get home. Sometimes I was so lazy to even get up that I just pretended I just had a ten minutes nap, just before she entered and that I had studied before. She was busy with work and I supposed that she wasn’t noticing anything. And to top it all we didn’t have our time in front of TV at night where I could hug her and at least for a second feel like a little kid, free and loved.

She went back to asking questions about my studies as if it was a routine thing to do and buying whichever answer I offered. When I would admit that that day I hadn’t studied at all she would brush it off because I had been studying hard (yeah, right, I wanted to say, but didn’t). When I admitted for a couple of days in a row she offered help, asked me how she could help and I wanted to tell her, tell me to sit at the dining room table with you so you can watch over me and see if I am actually studying, tell me that I have to learn this and that and you will quiz me … please help me get out of this f*cking hole I am sinking into. I can’t do it myself. I need to do something to regain at least that little shred of self-confidence that I used to have in high school, I need a proof that I am smart, please help me make it or I am just going  to quit

Of course, I didn’t say any of that… If I asked for it then it wouldn’t have been love but... sense of duty or something similar. I never liked that as a cause for action. It was too impersonal. And, to be quite honest I wasn’t sure I would get the help. I’ve heard her say way too many times: “Don’t be a baby” “That is just too childish”

Natalie had it all together: she was hard working, always had the energy, always focused, responsible, standing straight (unlike me), she was just perfect… From her always perfect hair to the ironed work clothes to a perfect body (skinny but muscular, about my height) to success wherever she went… How could she know the feeling of being stuck?  I knew she was tender and sensitive underneath it all but, I knew that she had very strong emotions, but … since she never showed almost any except an occasional, rare … tense or nervous very short lashing out… her sensitiveness stayed a mysterious treasure. Her love was presented in actions… and… when there were no actions I needed, and no gentle words or gestures, God forbid she hugged me first!… I felt like she just didn’t care, like she changed her mind about having a burden in the house.

After these thought and they were almost constant I felt even worse and more helpless, less able to focus on anything but the idiotic self-pity.

***

It was Friday. On Monday I found out that I will definitely fail the two courses out of the 6 taken. And the grades on the six weren’t good at all. Not attending the two classes I spent even more hours in bed. Eating only sweets and watching TV when awake and yes… why hide it… reading the blogs…  (never actually managing to come I was dumb even at that). On Wednesday Nat went on a business trip and was supposed to return on Saturday evening.

Needless to say the apartment was a pigsty. When I’d used up all of the tea spoons and spoons I started using forks to eat ice cream. I hadn’t washed my hair in 4 days. Laundry was piling up. And to think that I was planning a great cleaning of the whole house to surprise Nat. “I’ll do it tomorrow” Or “I’ll start later” were my mantras.

It was 7pm when she called to ask if I was home and if I needed anything from the city. It was like an ice cold shower. I rushed to put the whites in the machine, trying to clear the mess on my way, shoes, jeans, a bag…  and then rushed to do the dishes. I looked at my reflection in the window and realized how disgusting I looked.  The greasy hair tied in a messy ponytail. Half the dishes in the washer I ran up the stairs to the bathroom. I was finishing up the shower, hair washed in a towel made into a turban on my head when I heard her calling my name. I was glad I made it and the rush of finishing “so many” things in such a short time gave me the very wrong sensation that I managed to make the house look acceptable. She was closing the windows and I ran to hug her. She hugged me; more like patted me on the back after being gone for 4 days! That’s all I got. She was tired and she wasn’t happy about the state of the kitchen.

“You could have cleaned this… Did you just turn on the washer when I called?” I hung my head feeling guilty and embarrassed.  

“I am sorry Nat. I was planning to do it all this evening and tomorrow. I even wanted to do a thorough cleaning of you know the whole house..” She entered the living room and stepped on a piece of chips.

“I am sorry… I will vacuum right now… I will do everything around the house for a whole month… Please… I am sorry…”

She wasn’t saying a word. I wanted to hear what I’ve read so many times and have it delivered like she did twice. “You deserve a spanking” and have the slate clean. And have her hug me and comfort me… but.. no… she was too mad to do that.. too disappointed… Oh, I wish I could hear her thoughts….

“It doesn’t  really matter. I’ll go take a shower.” But she started to pick up the empty cookie box from the table, the piece of chips from the floor, and straighten the bed cover. I stood there like an idiot… My heart sinking further and further into the “I don’t care” mode cause I can never do anything right.

I vacuumed while she was taking the shower and cleaned the kitchen a little bit. And went outside to throw the trash out. The excitement was gone. My pace slow. Dragging my feet and deciding that I should give up and go back to Mom’s and just stay in bed forever… I didn’t deserve Nat… I will tell her about the two courses failed and about my decision.. or maybe I could just move out… and still see her at least from time to time. I would die from missing her…

By the time I was back she was in bed with a book. I took care of the whites and put in the colors and sat there in the basement for a while.

Saturday morning wasn’t cheerful. She was distant. It was the worst punishment ever. If she’d yelled if she’d done anything, it would have been so much easier. I was miserable and decided I should punish myself… by leaving…

“Nat, …” she looked up and through me… “I am sorry for everything… I will move out … I failed two courses anyhow..so..”  aaaaaaaaand she was back in the game.

“You did WHAT?” my stomach churned. Her eyes were flashing. Her voice sharp. I was awake too. The “barrier”, the fog in my brain gone, it was completely present and racing. And I was terrified. Didn’t even think about being happy that she cared.

“I-I … I-… “ The muttering! Where did that come from? “I failed… “

“How can you know?” (When I was younger she used to think that I am too strict on myself, perfectionist and so on…so she was trying to find an excuse… that I was only imagining, thinking of the worst.. yeah, I wish…. ) “The finals are not…”she continued at the same time as I whispered “I was absent” not so much willingly under my breath but for the lack of it. She couldn’t quite fathom that “You were WHAT?”  

The table cloth was really beautiful. Like everything Nat chose.

“I wasmssn clses” Half expecting her hand to fly across the table I slouched further down

“Speak up!” man was she angry, she neeeever raised her voice. “You were missing classes!?” She came across the table picked up my chin and pierced me with her beautiful hazel eyes. I tried to hang my head back down but she wouldn’t allow it. The grip was tight. I got the point. I felt smaller by the second. 10 inches… 8… 5 … disappearing… Ready to clasp my hands together and plead, but I sat there motionless, petrified.

“Why?” What could I tell her.. didn’t feel like getting up in the morning… ? Felt like going back to bed in the afternoon…? Or like watching TV shows, a season a day? Hadn’t prepared the exercises we were going to discuss… everything sounded soooo foolish so stupid… Why did it ever make perfect sense to me!?

“Answer me or I’ll slap you, I swear!”

“I am sorry.. I was lazy… I am sorry” the childish whimper was all I could produce her right hand in the air.

“And the other classes… ?”

“Well.. I still have the finals…”

“You mean you could be failing more than two?! The straight As student to a failure?!” She didn’t know what to say. She let go of me and held the table. Was she dizzy? My silence was confirming her fears. “Just… just go to your room”.

I had no idea what was about to happen… I sat there and waited… and the fear was fading.. . I started to block everything out… after about an hour I just fell asleep… I didn’t care… again… it was so easy to go back to that place where you can allow yourself anything and everything and not think about the consequences…

“ANNA!”

“Naaat” I sat up straight, confused, and happy that she showed up, and scared THE BELT! I’ve had it but it was over my pajamas and … she wasn’t this angry… In factr, I haven’t seen her angry in my life! And after all the stories I had read I dreaded the belt even more. I had to go pee… Why is she doubling it… how about.. you know some time for preparation, bracing myself… talking about it…

“You did NOT just fall asleep!” Exasperated with my attitude (though it wasn’t my attitude, I was depressed!  It’s not like I was doing it on purpose.. I couldn’t help it…) She grabbed me by the ear and the left upper arm and there I was, on my belly. Swat swat swatswatswat aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa if felt like a horrible long one and like horrible hundred! Aaaaaaa swatswatswatswatswat…. The tears flowing, legs kicking, gasping for air, don’t know where I am swatswatswatswat! And then she slowed it down but made them harder “how SWAT can you SWAT be SWAt so Swat irresponsible?! SWAT!

“I aaaaaaaaaaaaaam… sorryyyyyyyaaaaaaaaa owww” she wasn’t stopping once she caught the rhythm: bottom the soft part, the sitting spot, thighs she was all over. “I owwwwwwwwwww trieeeee-ed… Naaaaa-aat” Swat swat swaaaaaaat!

“You SWAT tried swat?! What exactly?! To SWAT ruin SWAT your SWAT education?” swat swat … I couldn’t take it anymore… the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I was wiggling, kicking uncontrollably, feeling absolutely miserable and helpless and guilty… when will this end? I can’t take it anymore… it’s too much… the words just escaped my mouth.

“Pleeeeeeeeeese… it’s enough owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”

“I decide when it is enough” owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she picked it up with seemingly more force.

“I am oawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Naaaaaaaaat uuuuuuuuuuuuunhhh soo-aaaaaaaa sorry uuuuh I won’t do uuuuuuhw it again… I uhhh aaaaaaaaaow will study…owwwwwwwwwwwwwww Nat stooo oop plee eeese it huuuu..rts ooooooow sooooooo ba-aaad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaawww pleeeeeeeeeeeease!”

“Oh, you WILL study! Believe me! And you will remember this one for the rest of your life! !” SWAT SWAT SWAT the fact that I was in pajamas wasn’t helping. I felt as if my bottom must be bleeding.. it had to be that because the burning pain was unbearable… I tried to slide down the bed cover, but she caught me and landed some fast and hard ones.

“Now, get cleaned and come downstairs”

My reflection in the bathroom mirror was pitiful.  I was ugly and puffy but when I looked at my eyes I hoped she will find a way to let that miserable look into her heart. I took the makeup mirror to check my butt. It was sooo deep …red …worse don’t even know what’s that color…  I couldn’t believe it.. Should I put some cold water on it? But I didn’t want to put anything on it… I wanted to lie on my tummy and cry to my heart’s content. I just felt like letting it cool and yet I had to go back downstairs. I could almost see her sitting at the dining room table.

And, there she was, couple of sheets of paper in front of her. She had put the reading glasses on and looked even more strict! Even though the spanking was over I felt as if I were walking towards a punishment.

 „OK, I think you are well aware of the trouble you’re in. Sit.“

„But Nat....“ she raised her eyebrows and I lowered my sore sore behind on the wooden chair. Almost cried out again. So I tried to pretend that I am sitting, my butt half an inch above the wood. She tilted her head not believing my nerv. Ok... can’t go around it.

„Now that you are seated... , we are going to save you but be sure this will not end with your finals!“ We are going to save you? Save me? She actually thinks I can do something about it all!?? But it’s way too late! I nodded, kept my mouth shut and my eyes on the table cloth.

„First, what are your grades so far?“ How do I tell her?! I can’t lie! Oh, I cannot! But...

„Anna, I’ve lost my patience and if you don’t start cooperating this instant I swear to God I will take the belt and paint your butt red, without the pajamas!“ The shocked petrified pleading look did not have any effect on her. If we were in a cartoon there lightnngs would be coming from her eyes and the sky would roar madly.  I swallowed. I knew I should save the best for last, but I was a coward.

„Well... Capitalism... I ... if I got a B on the finals I would get a B...“

„And if you did the final exam 100/100 and begged for some extra work, earnign some extra credit?“ What is she talking about?! Nobody could do that!!! And it’s what... like 2 weeks to the finals... „Would you have enought points for an A?“ She’s doing it again! I am not brilliant, Nat! I wanted to scream I am not like you!!! I am not .. like YOU!!!  But I just mumbled...

„I guess, but I that’s impossible.. nobody could...“

„OH, you can and you WILL!“  Yeah, and you’re delussional and I am dead! I must have made a face. Her hand landed sharp on my cheek and over my ear. It wasn’t too bad, it was more of an attention getter,  but still it made my ear ring.

„Listen to me, young lady, you will do what I say and if you make that face again you will be sorry“

„I AM sorry...“

„Good. The next grade, can you get an A?“

I knew I had to speed it up...

„Well really the other three courses would be... like... Cs...“

I could feel her whole body stiffen even thought I was looking at her hand holding the pen.

„Cs?“

„Yes...and one even maybe... one ... but I could get a C there tooo“ There was no need to be explicit that I was going to get a D... Silence fell between us. I felt fear raising up, but there was also hope. When I had Nat on my side, maybe I can do something... Maybe I can make it tolerable..

„Kimberly should have spanked you every time you procrastinated. I should have been more involved...But you are an adult... For God’s sake Anna you were supposed to be an adult! What happened to you?!“ Her head was in her hands. That wasn’t what I’d expected...

She got it together and continued with the questions with much less entusiasm. After half an hour she had a plan The impossible plan ...an unachivable one.. I was set to fail in her eyes no matter what..

„You will be studying here where I can see you. Do not even think of pulling any kind of a stunt. I will spank you 5 times a day if I have to! I swear to god I will! Not one toe over the line. Understood?“

„Yes“ that was very clearly understood but how will I do it all... there is no time.. and my brain is so slow... it’s just impossible...

„What are you waiting for? Get your books here already!“   

When I look back to this moment I realize that fearing her punishment instead of beating myself up for all the failures had its releasing effects. It was actually helping me think more clearly. And knowing that she cared about me made me feel worthy, gave me motivation and strength.

paying for bad choices

I woke up with a headache. My sinuses stuffed and throat sore. I probably had fever. I knew I had to go to classes because of the ones I skipped without a real reason. For a moment there lying in a comfortable bed I thought: What the heck. I don’t care even if I fail… But then I heard Nat going down the stairs and I knew I wouldn’t be able to face her. I mean Mom would be difficult too, but she knows me. She knows I am a mess underneath those As. But Nat she doesn’t want to see the mess I am. She wants to believe I am brilliant. Just looking at her eyes and telling her that I failed..… oh… I had to get up.

Trying to pretend I felt better then I really had I got ready and decided to skip breakfast so Nat wouldn’t notice anything. Of course, she has a freaking sixth sense.

“Hey, Nat” I stood in the doorway and blurted quickly “I have to hurry. I overslept. We have a discussion class” And I started for the front door

“Anna, aren’t you going to eat before you go?”

“I’ll grab something on the way” I sent her kisses and went for the door again.

“Are you getting sick, honey? Wait a second.” She was walking towards me.

“Yeah, I think I might be. Don’t get to close though” the third one’s a charm.. or not.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. Her eyes locked with mine the moment I turned around.

“Is everything OK?” but the suspicious tone was gone when she took a good look at me. Her hand on my forehead. “You have fever, sweetie! You should be in bed. You really should go back. You are allowed to be absent 3 times per semester, you know.” (yeah, I knew and used it all up already) She turned to go up the stairs under the impression I was going to follow.

“Nat, I don’t feel that bed. I’ll just go to the first two classes and then I’ll come back. It’s really important I am there”

“Are you sure, sweetie?” I thanked God she doesn’t think as sharp as usual when she is worried.

“Yeah…”I wished I could hug her. But didn’t want her to get sick too…

The day was so long. I was about to fall asleep the whole time. My head was heavy. I felt cold and just longed for my warm bed. And the classes dragged on. Linda would get me tea in the breaks and I would put my head on my hands and try to rest at least a little bit. The medicine I took was not working at all. I couldn’t go to the doctors because he was our neighbor’s nephew and visited his uncle at least once every two weeks.

I felt so weak. By the fourth class I started feeling dizzy. And during the break I collapsed. Linda was too quick on the phone and next thing I knew I was waiting for Nat in the hallway. I was only thanking God the teacher witnessed the fainting and panicked so I was safe. Well, at least with him because he was the one who told me to go home and rest and that he would overlook my absence. 

Nat arrived, her heels making a sharp sound on the wooden floor. At the same time I was scared, I knew the scolding was inevitable, but also happy and relieved. I just wanted to cuddle.

“You told me you were going to come home after the second class” She stood in front of me. The dizziness was making her scarier than usual. I realized I was never sick during the stay at her house. Must be the food she was making me eat. I half smiled.

“Exactly what is funny?”

“No, not funny. It’s just that … I am kind of dizzy…”

“Should have obeyed and stayed at home, shouldn’t you?!” We were already walking and every part of my body felt so heavy and weak. I stopped and hugged her. I needed the comfort. Always a bit stiff when it comes to cuddling she put her hand on my hair and kissed the top of my head. I mumbled:

“I am sorry, Mom… Nat”  Whoa! I couldn’t believe what I just said! I suddenly felt so guilty. I wished my Mom was there… She would hug me properly… but I still wasn’t letting go of Nat.

“Let’s go, honey”, she patted me gently on my butt.

****

Nat woke me up at about 7pm. Mark was about to come (of course he couldn’t say no to her! It was soo obvious I thought to myself) . I felt a bit better. I took a shower and was even getting hungry.

I came down the stairs, had couple of spoons of her famous green peas, but even sitting in a chair was just too tiring. I felt the fever rising. It was 102 F! I couldn’t let them know! I’ll go for… 101? No… let’s say… 100.8. Yeah, that sounds credible.

Mark was writing it down. But I wasn’t sure Nat believed me. I half expected her to tell me to take the temperature again. Mark seemed oblivious. I felt my lungs kind of hurting. The cough wasn’t terrible and I was trying to keep it down, pretty much successfully.

“Look, it doesn’t seem too bad. Let’s hear your lungs” (no..) I dreaded that and I was right. His face expression changed. “Hm.. this doesn’t sound right. Blood work is necessary and I think some antibiotics will be too.” (my heart started racing. Blood work. Oh… I hate that. I hate needles. But.. at least he didn’t mention shots… that would be too much… and maybe if  I get better by tomorrow, maybe I’ll figure out a way to skip the laboratory. Wait what the heck is he doing. To my utter surprise he was pulling out the equipment… No escape. Right there on the spot. Nat watching. No escape. Shit.)

“Straighten your arm.” He had a soothing voice but I could see that neither of them realized that for me it wasn’t a routine blood work “it’s no biggie” stuff. He tied that thing around my upper arm and prepared the needle. I wanted to look brave. Nonchalant. Nat was taking the empty cups to the kitchen. Thank God! I could look away and brace myself. It hurt… ok it’s not too bad…. It’s going to be over soon… sooon… oh, come on Mark. OK… that’s done. I relaxed. Smile on my face.

*****

I fell back asleep in no time. Nat brought me one of her squeezed juices, the not so tasty beet one. It must have been midnight. She was probably working late. Or… staying up for me… I felt terrible seeing her tired eyes.

She handed me the thermometer. I put it a bit further than my armpit in order to prevent the real number to show up. I had already devised the tactics. I’ll ask her for something when it’s about to end and put it right so it does show something but not too much.

“Drink up, sweetie” I got ready for the undesired taste, but she had put honey in this time and it was actually great! She gently brushed off the hair from my cheek. And then held the hand on my forehead. She was worried. “You’re burning up. How do you feel?” I felt horrible.    

“well.. ok”. I wanted her to just go and let me rest. I remembered how my Mom would stay up all night and take temperature down by rubbing alcohol all over my body. I didn’t want that to happen. But at the same time I didn’t like that she took her hand off my face. I needed a gentle touch. I always do. The thermometer started beeping. Shit, I had forgotten to distract her and put it right. She made a move to pull it out. I panicked.

“I think I didn’t put it right”. She continued pulling it out, looked at it and the firm gaze made a knot in my stomach. “Kim told me you were afraid of shots, but this is childish Anna” She knew!! How did she see through me with such ease? I felt embarrassed. “I’ve known you since you were a tiny baby! Did you really think you can pull something like that with me?” She said as she was cleaning the thermometer with ethanol. “Open up”

I was appalled. “No, .. Nat, I’ll do it right” My hand was left empty in the air.

“Anna, now.” She didn’t have to raise her voice. She had the coldest, ice tone when she wanted. I felt ridiculous with that thing in my mouth but I was starting to get too tired.

Of course the fever had to have gone over 102. “We have to take it down.” She took away my blanket. Soft warm blanket. And started at my feet. “Take off the top” As if it wasn’t enough that she was pouring ice cold ethanol on my legs. And as if it weren’t disgusting. I mean touching my feet! Yucky … The fabric of the shirt was hurting my skin. At least I have some dignity left with the undershirt. The alcohol went dry almost while she was rubbing it in. I could see she was worried but at that point I no longer cared. I just wanted to sleep.

****

It was a long night for both of us. I could hear that the phone woke her up.

“Yeah… I guessed so. Ahm. No, no, don’t worry about that I know how to do it. No, she’s not allergic. I know, God forbid… yes… of course. Thank you so much!... Yes… I’ll let you know.”

In a haze I wondered what it was that she knew how to do but I drifted off to sleep.

****

“Annie, honey, wake up. I have to give you a shot before I leave.” A shot! That’s a wake up strategy. Is she nuts!?? My eyes flung open to see her prepare the syringe and the needle … the knot in my belly grew tighter. “I will be here another two hours but we have to do it now in case you’re allergic. Come on, get ready” She looked at me almost surprised that I hadn’t moved. What did she expect me to willingly expose myself to the needle?! I was like hypnotized. I felt the tears coming. The pending threat making my lips curl. She couldn’t believe it.

“Oh, Anna, come on! That is just too childish! You are not still afraid of a little prick.” She appeared to find it  funny. Well at least she didn’t look worried. “Anna, honey, come on.” She took away my soft blanket my wonderful cover and protection and I was left in my panties and shirt. I turned to lie on my back, my butt safe, and recovered my voice.

“Nat, can’t we… skip that…?” I was pleading and about to start crying my eyes already welled up.
“Anna, stop being a brat and turn around this instant. Don’t make me spank you before I give you the shot” She was menacing but the needle was even more.

“Maybe… if I don’t have the fever anymore..(and I felt pretty good) maybe we could…” her left hand grabbed me by the waist and started turning me around. I wouldn’t give in.

“Fine” she put the top back on the needle. Her knee on the edge of the bed, my butt was up in a second. She landed couple of quick smacks on the left cheek.

“ow!”

“Relax your muscles” She was getting impatient and angry, but I couldn’t I was scared. “Anna!” I crossed the line, sick or not, wham, wham, smack.. I arched my back and my hand flew to protect my bottom. It ended up pressed against the small of my back. SMACK

“owww”

“Will you be still and relax, now?”

“uuhnn.. I ca-an’t” Smack, smack, smack “doo- don’t.. smack …uhhh ….smack smack Na--- Nat”

My bottom was already stinging when she landed a few really tough ones.
“I Smack told you Smack to relax SMACK. You will get the shot, you cannot evade  it. So let’s get it over and done with. With you everything has to be drama.” I felt so terrible.. and stupid… I tried my best to relax. The cold ethanol on the cotton… her finger clicking at the syringe, her hand pulling my panties  down (this is all so embarrassing ). “Count to five and it will be over and relax, OK, sweetheart?” She gently patted the spot and ouch! “Count!”

“UUUH.. one .. uhh two.. “ I counted through the tears… “ Make it faster Nat .. three.. uhh… four… uuhh five. It’s overrrr”

“Almost, sweetie” She pulled my panties back and set beside me stroking my hair gently.

“Sometimes I think you’re a five year old in an adult body… “
“I feel like that, too…” my sobbing was calming down. My bottom was sore in more than one way. I went for a hug and ended up head in Nat’s lap, she stroking my hair with love.

I wished I could stay there forever… and not go to university and face the professors.. and then… her… I couldn’t even imagine what she would do… 

Secrets and lies part 1

Natalie hates laziness and I am a prime example of being lazy. If it were up to me I would spend days and nights watching shows or reading novels.  I don’t like exercise. I went to aerobic practice with her, because she insisted it was good for me, and I really wanted to please her, but after a while I just couldn’t practice any more. It was boring and hard. I looked at her, almost full 20 years older than me jumping up and down, doing all the difficult exercises. She let me off the hook couple of times. But, then, I knew she would start expecting me to be fitter and be able to go through the whole practice without stopping. The first time I made up an excuse I said I was going to tutor a freshman on colonialism. She bought it. The next time my friend Linda had just come back from a long trip and wanted me to come over. She swallowed that one as well. Then I had my period. That was true. After couple of days I called her from university saying I had some extra reading to do. She approved of studying though she noticed that I had been inside the whole day and that a little air might help me think better.

I was feeling lazy and even though I really planned on staying in the library and doing some reading for an essay I figured… Some air would really be good. So I started walking home… air would be good but a movie with ice cream would be perfect.

I saw the lights were off, so Nat must have left already. Her car was gone.
The joy overwhelmed me. I felt free to be me. Lazy… when I realized that I was happy for allowing myself to be lazy I wasn’t happy anymore. I needed that ice-cream to forget how despicable I was.

I didn’t care much about the movie. I overate and was thinking that I should actually throw up. I didn’t think I was bulimic, because it wasn’t an everyday thing, but still I didn’t want anyone to know. Vomiting is disgusting. And plus I felt sleepy and I couldn’t go to sleep with my stomach fool. I’d get fat… My mood was becoming progressively worse and I was sorry for not going to the practice. The phone rang. Natalie! But the practice wasn’t supposed to have ended!

I sat straight. She knows when I talk to her lying down.

“Hey, kiddow, how’s the studying?” She sounded cheerful.

“Well.. not so well… I decided to go home actually.. I just… couldn’t focus” She paused. But the wonderful being that she is she decided to believe me and probably thought that maybe I needed to relax.

“Oh. Ok. I am here with Sandra. We were going for a light dinner so I thought maybe you’d like to join us”.  Oh, I would have been so tempted hadn’t I stuffed my face with ice cream. And plus, I missed relaxing time with Natalie. And Sandra is so funny and cheerful… but I am so not in the mood… aaagrhh… what to do.
“I’m coming. Wher’re you at?” I went to the bathroom. A quick ritual, washing the hands, fingers up my throat, ice cream out, brush the teeth, mouth rinse, drink a bit of it, eat a piece of bread,  mints ready, get dressed and I was out in 15 minutes.” By the time I sat down besides my Godmother I had swallowed like 15 mints and was pretty much sick. She was telling Sandra how I am working real hard at the university and how I am tired.

“Yeah, you look kind of pale.” said Sandra looking at me inquisitively. Damn, I thought to myself, hope I haven’t left any traces… My eyes are kind of red from the burst capillaries sometimes… shit… didn’t even check that. As if she were listening to my thoughts she turned to Nat: “her eyes seem … red, don’t they?” I reacted quickly.

“Yeah? They do feel strange. I’ll go check it out”… As I was trying to get up, Nat looked at me as if she were worried or suspecting something.

“Are you ok kid?”

“Yeah” I brushed it off. “I’ll just wash my face. Get me a… Ceaser salad, k?”

When I came back, everything ended with Nat’s: “K?”

“Yep” I smiled and hugged her. She patted me on the head and they continued talking about work.

*****

When we came home she noticed that Love actually was on it 65^th minute and commented that I had been enjoying my evening. I chose to mumble a “yes”.

****

It was Tuesday. I knew I had to go to the practice, no excuses.

Once there I was in a bored mood. Slow to get ready, dragging my feet. I knew she hated it but I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be there.

“You could try not to spread the negativity, you know” She was already annoyed.

“I just don’t see the point in this”.

“You don’t see the point?” Shit, eyebrows were up and the stare telling more than I’d like to. I have to think of something.
“Well … I know you like it… and I know it’s good for me… but…”. The trainer put the music on and the mental torture began. I kept saying to myself: “Come on. Just a little bit more. Aaa… it’s boring.. no, it’s useful… come on.. try at least. Ah… I can’t. I stopped untying and tying my sneakers. Drinking water.

She half whispered: “Stop it!” I rolled my eyes… big mistake. I saw the anger rising to a bursting point in a second. If we were alone I swear she would have slapped me across my face. “Do NOT ROLL the eyes at me!” I was already sorry but I also felt humiliating. I was there because of her, I thought and obviously “made a face”. She continued exercising and so did I. I decided I’d tell her I’m quitting.

We didn’t say a word to each other in the car.

When we were both showered and she was heading for her bedroom I spoke.

“Nat, look. I am sorry for you know.. the practice.. it’s just .. for me it is stupid… I just feel tired and… I feel like eating even more when I practice… and it’s difficult… and I can’t wait it to stop…”

“Anna, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You should have just said so.”

“I know… You were so glad when we started it together.. and it was fun because we were together.. but after a while it just became boring…”

“It’s your choice.” She was cold and distant. I hated it. I felt like taking it all back. I felt like saying, you’re right – I’ll go. I would do anything at that moment to have her smile and hug me.

And then it clicked in my head: wait a minute, she thinks you have to exercise to be healthy, how come she’s letting me go like that, doesn’t she care about me?!

She was already at her bedroom door when I heard myself saying: “Linda’s coming back from Switzerland tomorrow so I’ll go stay with her during the weekend to catch up.”

The moment she turned on her heels with a piercing look I knew I was doomed.

“And when did she go to Switzerland?” I hesitated. Should not have hesitated. My mind was racing. The fact that she’s coming back, doesn’t necessarily mean that she couldn’t have come back ten days ago. The hesitation, the fear in my eyes gave me away. I looked down. Should not have looked down.

“You lied to me?” she was angry. I was sooo scared. Couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have been. Before that first spanking I would have tried to be cute and I would have tried to explain. But now it was different. It was as if some barrier broke back then and even though I felt we were closer and I felt her caring more deeply (or just showing it by making me do the things I should do but couldn’t push myself to do).

“I am sorry” I half whispered feeling like a 4 year old.

The silence filled the room. I was too afraid to look up. She was approaching. I dreaded a slap on the face. I almost closed my eyes getting ready for it. She took my chin and made me look at her. I felt so helpless and so sad that I made her angry. I bleated “I am sorry, Nat”.

“The tutoring?” her voice was ice cold and my attempt to lower my head was prevented. The grip on my chin tighter. “Last week’s studying?” a small voice inside my head told me to try and save at least that one… but I could barely breathe.

“Get into your pajamas”. She turned away and hurried angrily towards her bedroom.

I was sitting on my bed when she came in with a wooden cooking spoon.

I gasped. “Nat, please! I will exercise! I will never lie to you again! Please, there is no need” but she was arranging the pillows as if she were deaf. “Nat, pleeeeeeese!” the childish shrieking didn’t help

“Stop it! Lie over the pillows” I wanted to say that it was just way humiliating and that I am not doing it. I have my dignity. I will not do it. Not even for you. I love you but I will not be humiliated. I stood up. I felt the courage building up inside me. I dared look into her eyes and booom courage disappeared. I started backing towards the closet.

“Nat,.. come on.. I am … big…I am not a kid…”

“If you were a kid you would have been over my knees already. Lie over here, don’t waste my time. I have better things to do.” Ok, now I was angry. She doesn’t get to be that cold and spank me! It’s either loving and caring or … or nothing.

“NO!” I crossed my arms and gave her the most defiant look I could master.
What she pulled after that was beyond me. She grabbed my ear and pulled me toward the bed. When gravity started working her bended leg was on the bed and I was bent over her leg, her arm around my waist keeping me still. Smack smack smack smack smack five or six smacks landed so rapidly on my bottom that I didn’t have the time to gasp after each of them but produced a strange sob like noise. It burnt even through the pajamas. I made her really angry. Smack smack smack smack… the right cheek was throbbing burning painful… she hit almost the same spot every time.

“Naa-aaat plea---a---a pleeeeaaaaaaaa- pleeese… dooo—aa- don’t!” smack smack smack..

“Lie where I told to” she released me.

“Please!!!!!!! I will do whatever you say!”

“I said: lie over the pillows”

I obeyed though I thought I will not be able to stand any more spanking…

Smack smack smack And I thought those were hard! Smack smack “PLeeee—se aaaaa.. it hurts..aaaaaaaaa…” my bottom was on fire… I couldn’t stand it anymore…

I tried sliding off the pillows and ended up on the floor by the bed kneeling, still half bent over the bed edge.

“Sit” she showed the bed. I sat slowly and still gasped out in pain.

“Silence” and with that she pushed my shoulder back down because I tried getting up.

“I am sorry. I will never lie to you again”  I sniffled and sobbed…

“I hope so.” I thought I heard a bit of pity in her voice, a bit of love.. maybe. I looked up but even through my tears I could hardly see anything gentle in her expression.

Later I will find out that she was stopping herself from reaching out to hug me.

The turning point

I was in front of the computer screen as usual, but instead of writing my paper I was watching the Kardashians. My brain was in that half dreamy state when you just can’t focus on anything. I did try to write, but without success, so I figured that relaxing a little bit is better than going to sleep. If I go to sleep I most certainly won’t advance on the paper and if I relax … well maybe…

I was careful not to play the show to loud because my Godmother was watching television in the other room and we had already had soooo many talks on how I should “Just do it”. She couldn’t understand what a curse procrastination was, she couldn’t understand how I “just couldn’t”. So, I was hoping that she would believe that I was being a good student. It was my last year at the university and it would be stupid to blow all the good grades and opportunities.

I felt like taking a snack and, being in the Kardashian all’s happy and relaxed mood, I thought I could sneak over to the kitchen unnoticed.

By the time I was back she was in my room, sitting at the desk. My heart skipped. The nerves made me almost chuckle. The stupid nervous laughter was stopped by her stare.

“I really don’t know what to do… how to get through to you...” – she never yelled, but most of the time she held kind of a distance that would make me think she didn’t really care, like… she would repeat the same stuff but it sounded to me like she thought it was her duty or something, not like she honestly cared. This time… she was also calm but she looked at me in a strange way, and I could feel how present she was in that moment, how she was up to something.

I started with the usual excuses… “I know, Nat… it’s just that I couldn’t write… I just read… and I didn’t have any ideas.. .and I felt kind of frustrated so I figured, I’d relax, take a break...Look, I’ll do it .. you know I’ll do it as soon as deadline approaches… it’s just….my stupid… brain… doesn’t work”. Usually she would interrupt me right away trying to convince me how I have to try harder, how I could relax when I had finished it, how it was all easy for me… but that evening the silence was menacing…

She closed the player, opened a blank Word page and stood up.

“Anna, I want to see at least three pages by 11.” My stomach curled up in a ball, I felt an “or else” more frightening than if it were pronounced. A tiny voice of cheeky reason whispered inside me: “You are an adult,… come on..” As she was passing in front of me I started:

“But, there is no way I could write that.. I still haven’t read everything and…” the door closed behind her. I stood there, chocolate chip cookies in my hand, and a very strange feeling in my stomach…

Well, I thought to myself,.. I could try and write it… Brain fog gone, I sat at the desk and started thinking about the influence of capitalism on ecology… Suddenly desired desperately to impress her! Just like when I was a kid and she would come to visit us. She has always been a half goddess to me…

 She will read what I write, I have to make it brilliant. Search for papers online began… I started reading but I couldn’t get inspired to write… summarizing had always been so difficult for me… I felt so stupid.. and the “or else” was filling up my head. What could she do? Not speak to me?? She wouldn’t kick me out of the house… ground me…? I don’t go anywhere anyhow… and… I mean she can’t take the computer away, I need it for the studies, and I bought it myself… A story came creeping in to my mind… My Mom told me how she once witnessed Nat getting spanked by her mother… Mom and Nat were about to leave the house, dressed for a party, when Aunt Felicia (who’s not my Mother’s aunt, but Nat and my Mom were so close that they kind of adopted each other as sisters) returned from the neighbors’ earlier than the two 19 year old girls expected. Aunt Felicia was very patriarchal and she wouldn’t have approved of many things Mom and Nat did. Seeing her daughter “dressed like a hoocker” (quoting her) made her go ballistic in a second. “I had no idea what was happening”, my Mom told me. “I looked at Nat pale and scared, literally not moving as if frozen. Felicia went into her own room and the next I saw was Nat falling on the bed and belt flying through the air. Nat was sobbing in seconds and her legs already had a few pink straps below her bottom, the short skirt up on her lower back. I felt scared and helpless and… embarrassed… can’t imagine how she must have felt…” The belt was coming down on her mercilessly and she was crying out “Mo-oom… Mom… ple---ase”. Felicia didn’t say a word. When she was done I was crying as well, you know how Granny never even considered that kind of thing…I wanted go and hug Nat,  but one look from Felicia and I was out the door, Nat lying on the bed crying like a little child… As she opened the door for me Felicia mumbled… “If I were your mother…”  I thanked God she wasn’t. Nat told me the next week, ( she was, of course grounded), that she couldn’t believe it either. The last one was when she was 17 and caught smoking… but it felt different, being in high school…and this.. she said… it was so humiliating … and at the same time like… I wasn’t… 15 or 10… it felt like I was 5....especially in the end. And when I went to straighten up in the bathroom and looked at myself with the makeup …. I felt so ridiculous.”… that’s when my Mom, who never had any authority over me what so ever tried to sound all serious and authoritative which looked ridiculous on her. “Anna, I know how you adore Nat, she’s like the only aunt you ever knew and … I know you admire her… that’s why I consider it brilliant that you’ll be living with her, but be careful, hun… Nat is strict, you may not have seen that side of her, but trust me… I’ve seen it with her sister’s children… ”

My eyes slid to the bottom corner of the screen. Shit! It was 10:07! There’s noooo way I can make it!! Shit! Shitshitshitshit! Aaaaaaaaaa…

Ok, I’ll focus and I’ll write something… anything… she will probably have forgotten that she told me it was by 11… I mean Nat is so forgetful…always hundred things being planned.. and she always changes her mind… Ok… but I’ll do it.. like… for myself.. it’s not like I am scared… or something…

Ok, so… Capitalism produced over production… the products are not there to satisfy needs but tastes… ah… everybody knows that… oh.. I have to write something good… 10:15…

Advertising … advertising… oaah… I am so stupid why can’t I write…? I need references.. Ok, I’ll read and then I’ll just write when I have a clear idea…

10:48…. I had written one lousy page… OK, I give up… I’ll just go back to the Kardashians… she’s probably forgotten all about it, and tomorrow morning I’ll probably have some good ideas…

11:00 Nat entered the room with disappointment on her face and a belt in her hand. It was as if somebody yanked my guts, I felt I would pee right there… My lips started curling on the ends without my will… “Nat… I tried…” I gasped for air… my voice went up a shrieking pathetic childish…

“Yeah, I could hear how you are trying though the door. Obviously,… I have to do it… to wake you up… and I hate it…Come” (What does she mean??? What does she have to do!!??? I’ll pee, I’ll start crying.. I can’t move… I can’t even feel my legs… I am an adult I … am … an adult…. Say it… ) “I …a m….I am no… You can’t…”

She sighed… and walked over to me as if she had flown. She grabbed my upper arm and pulled me up like I had no will or strength. The belt burnt through my pajamas, once, twice. I yelped… it hurt! It went on... Sucking in the air every time.  I was surprised… I thought it would hurt only after a while but she was strong and obviously skilled. “Nat… please…” I felt idiotic for begging...  I tried to release my arm, go couple of steps back to get to the wall when the she started to speed it up. I was over the table. The belt hit the chair couple of times and it banged! “Stop… pleeeeeasee…. I’ll.. wri….te …(she went on without a word or slowing down... That's not how I imagined spankings... I had thought when you said you were sorry or promised... it would be over) I proooo … aaaaaaaaa…. I prooo … mise you… Nat .. pleeee…se pleeaaaaaaa.. aaaaoo….it huu-aaa--uurts pleeese”.  

After a couple of swats more she pronounces sternly and angrily: “It is supposed to hurt” with this she pulled me up, tears streaming down my face. When I looked at her … so cold and angry and distant… the tears started flowing even faster … I wanted her to hug me and tell me that she still loved me... I wanted it more than anything… My own sobs and pleading echoing in my head. I felt as if I were 5. So scared, and small and in need of love and protection…

“Now go to bed. Tomorrow when you come back you will be writing in the living room. You will finish that paper by the evening.” I went for a hug. She stretched out a hand: “No, you haven’t deserved it.” I was confused and desperate…Nothing similar had ever happened to me...I cried myself to sleep…don’t know what hurt more… I just knew I had to deserve that hug tomorrow. I skipped classes and went to the library and started writing. It was difficult to sit. Couldn’t quite say if it was itchy or painful or both but all of it reminded me so well of my goal.

When I came home, there was no smile to greet me. She was distant the whole evening but I knew what I was doing. By 8 pm I was almost finished, the whole 15 pages. She was preparing dinner. It reeked of cauliflower. I hated it so much I felt sick, but I thought she would not make me eat it when she saw I’d finished the paper.

“Nat, I did it! I wrote it…” I said with a proud smile on my face while the printer was doing its job. I hand it to her. She went through it fast. I knew her powers and I knew she wasn’t missing anything.

“It’s good. But,… did we have to go through that…?” I felt guilty, my head hanging…  I whispered “I am sorry” and I really was… I looked up, hoping for a smile. I almost caught a strange expression, half smile half wondering… and love, definitely love … but it vanished quickly. “OK, the dinner is ready”.

I felt what it meant. I knew there was no escape from it…. And… I felt it was going to be like that from now on… She will become the authority I had never had in life, and… I knew I was supposed to be happy, because I knew she loved me almost as much as Mom did… and I knew she was capable of seeing further than Mom.. and I knew that it was going to be good for me … someday… but I really hated cauliflower…

I started pouring the food going around the hideous pieces. She took the spoon  from me and there it was, in my plate.

“But, Nat.. you know how much I hate it”

“I hated spanking you as well”… and then she added… “but if it could help you eat what's healthy ,…”

I was on the verge of tears. Looked up and there was the “no negotiations” face.

In three weeks my grades went back up, almost all A’s and the situation was almost back to normal, except that I obeyed her far quicker than before and hugged her more than before… And I felt as if she had truly adopted me, as if she deeply cared… and it was that love what gave me wings …well for a short time before I started going back to my old habits…